Last night was awful. I tossed and turned. I was hot then cold. Anxious then peaceful. I haven’t had that happen in years. Many many years. This morning when I opened my eyes not really knowing if I had been awake or asleep all night, I was drained.
We got the kiddos off to school and I had a choice to make… Sleep or do my own Yin Yoga Practice. In between the stagnant feeling in my core, confusion as to why this terrible night’s sleep and a bit of self pitty; I kept thinking about an interaction I had the night before with a long time friend. A friend who like me is effortlessly living at higher vibrations with a great outlook on life. During that interaction I was so negative in my thoughts and words. The kicker is I was in a pretty good mood. It surprised me the way I acted and frankly I was quite embarrassed.
So with that bit of shame and disappointment in myself, I decided to start a Yin practice. A very slow and meditative practice. This practice turned into a 2 hour practice and every bit of it was felt, appreciated and needed. Some was meditation but a lot of it was having a REAL and honest conversation with myself. In the end… talk about an emotional release. Whew.
I asked myself half way through why I had treated my dearly loved friend that way. Why was it that when I saw her, I went from good ‘ol Erika to Negative Nancy? And the truth of it is, I’m jealous of her. I view her as a liberated woman. Someone who sees what she wants and goes for it with class and grace.
Now, discovering that was the easy part. If I was jealous of her liberation, why do I not feel free? If I don’t feel liberated, do I view myself as repressed? Ouch. How on earth can I be repressed. I want for nothing. Or do I? Is this feeling of repression a mood or an underlying characteristic of my personality. I kinda think that it was once an emotion that became a mood that became part of my personality. But why? When? How? Oh lord, now I’m in deep… well almost.
This is where the depth REALLY comes in. Why do I ALLOW myself to feel this way. Nothing I can DO will change this part of me. The only thing that will heal this poisonous feeling is just BEING. Perhaps I do want something deep down and that’s why I have feeling of void from time to time. If I truly wanted for nothing, my tank would be fulfilled. What is it that I want. Ahhhhh the question that started this 3 year Yin Journey. A poisonous question in itself that causes dis ease in the mind, body and spirit.
So how did this Yin practice end? It ended with no answers to the questions I was seeking but every so peacefully with a lot less questions.
My body has been talking to me deep from a place I wasn’t listening too. It had been too long since a good conversation like this with myself. These conversations are tough and scary to have because I never know what I’m going to find. One thing I do always find is a deeper gratitude for myself, my family and teachers.