bestself

I had a magical “ugly cry”. It wasn’t pretty but the outcome was beautiful.  The end of the year is always hard. It’s a blend of happy and sad. I am floating on a cloud because this is that time of year when my children were born and I clearly remember the excitement of the anticipation of adding to our family and the current excitement of birthday celebrations. 

This is the time of year of family togetherness, games, food and merry drinks. The sad part comes in because this is when my Dad’s 4 wheeler malfunctioned, flipped multiple times then threw him 70 feet to land head first on concrete. He sustained uncountable injuries but the one that keeps his cognition equal to a two year olds is the Traumatic Brain Injury. 

I’ve felt stifled the last few days and I knew it was because of this time of year and the stagnation in my heart.  I knew rolling out my mat and practicing Yin Yoga would help. While in a pose, I thought of everyone in my life whom I loved and I sent them love.  

Then, I thought of Dad. And like a freight train out of nowhere, I burst into uncontrollable sobs. Let the Ugly Cry Therapy Commence.  No ugly cry is complete without slobber and a puddle of salty tears.  

I’ve ALWAYS looked at the positive in his accident.  I’m thankful for the accident bringing us together as a family.  I’m thankful of the strength it has given us to figure it out. I’m thankful for the faith it’s given us to know that what ever comes our way, it’s going to be okay.

‘But what I haven’t done is addressed my hate.  After all, hate is a bad word. I even teach my kids to express their aversion using other words than hate.  I’ve never explored hate because I’ve always gone to the positive. It’s my nature. It is my strength. But my strength has bullied my real feeling on the matter.  

I allowed my self to pivot towards my hate.  Not mask it with my natural positivity. So when the hate was the first thing I felt in my ugly cry, I leaned into it.  

<insert Ugly Cry visual here>

I HATE that this happened to him!

I HATE my Mom has to live without a partner!

I HATE that My Dad’s cognition level keeps him always dependent on someone!

I HATE that my little Brother had to grow up without a Father!

I HATE that my children don’t know this amazing man before his accident!

I HATE HATE HATE HATE that this is the way it is!

1. HATE. THIS.

Now that felt good.  I am okay with my hate.  I am at peace with this feeling.  

<insert epiphany Ugly Cry here>

I was surprised at myself. I actually to experience the hate it instead of putting a warm cozy blanket of positivity around it.  I was ready to move on. That blanket had served me well for years until it didn’t. I accepted that I felt this way. I gave myself grace to feel that way. 

It was a beautiful pivot moment to really be in the experience the hate I had been neglecting and covering up with a blanket of positivity

Why do I tell you this?  I tell you this because I want you to be okay with pivoting into your experiences. It’s a beautiful liberation.

Gift yourself the gift of courage and allow yourself to be vulnerable. Open that door even though you don’t know where it leads because what’s on the other side is freedom of our know and unknown demons.  

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